we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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