dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
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