We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
