I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
