Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
