Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
