two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
