do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
