dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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