If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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