"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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