He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
