ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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