Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
birth control should be required to get into college
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
