You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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