Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
