He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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