Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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