so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
