So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
