Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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