surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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