I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
