Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
