i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
