I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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