I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
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She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
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Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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