glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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