theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The convent might be a nice break from real life
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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