I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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