The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
