I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
