She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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