When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
