Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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