what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
God, you're like boner-b-gone
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
