i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
