I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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