I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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