btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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