FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
