I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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