I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
