I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
