Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
