I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
