Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
