I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
