dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
