Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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