I think I am morally bankrupt
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
