shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
