mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
