from now on my penis is your penis
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
