I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
