Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
