I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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