if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
